Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
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I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
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I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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