this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
