Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
