he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
