This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
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He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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