eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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