The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
