After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
