fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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