I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
