I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
