Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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