If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
