i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
