i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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