but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
