4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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