Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
