Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
