Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
