Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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