Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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