What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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