she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
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She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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