i just wanna soil my oats bro
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
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Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
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There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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