As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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