My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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