I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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