i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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