Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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