Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
