I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
