just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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