You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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