How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
