I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
