I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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