if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
