I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
