You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Randomize
