When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
