captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
