Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
