I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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