When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
