I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
