When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
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I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
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I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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