I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
