you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hippo gnu deer
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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