it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
