this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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