your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
handjob tips. give me some.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
